Looking for the Right Way to Be

My brother phones at 8:35 am each morning. He has OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), so the time seldom varies. If, for some reason, I don’t answer, he will phone again, up to six times. I attempt to be understanding. His OCD requires him to check on my well-being, state his own, and issue his weekly request, which, until fulfilled, will repeat indefinitely. Many mornings it drives me crazy. We’ve discussed rules, boundaries, expectations, and norms. Given the frequency of transgression, though, we should downgrade rules to guidelines.

My mentor in Christian ethics, Rev. Dr. Terry Anderson, clearly distinguished the various types of ethical norms. Principles (top level) differ from guidelines (usually hold), which differ from rules (always hold). For example, a principle might be always to show respect for others. A guideline could be to put your phone away during a meal. A rule, on the other hand, would be something like ‘do not interrupt when someone else is speaking’. Etiquette is the set of rules—more fluid than often presumed—governing what a group considers proper or courteous.

Social conventions and etiquette weren’t a big part of my childhood. Even if I wasn’t labelled rude, I often felt a half-step behind, trying to meet assumed and unspoken expectations. At minimum, I felt awkward; at most, ashamed.

As an introvert, I often took refuge from groups engaging in small talk by staying quiet near the back of the room. I quickly learned that this strategy might also break a rule.  

Sigh

I am mostly out of the field of fire now—beyond redemption—even as the discussion about rules gains new life.

Rules around phone usage clearly reveal gaps between generations.

In earlier times, a ringing phone required a prompt answer, demonstrating respect for the caller. Now, the ‘ring I must respond’ rule is in question, if not abandoned. Text before you call now.

‘You don’t have to answer a ringing phone!’ signifies a power shift. In the golden days of yesterday, the power lay with the one making the call. I’m calling you, and if you are home, you must pick up. Now the power lies with the one being called.

This is where it gets tricky, especially for parents and grandparents.

My favourite new phone rule: the person you are with takes priority. Hence, the corollary for many dinner occasions: all phones in a basket during dinner. And, when dining out, no phones, even upside down on the table. Anything else is just rude!

Let’s not even get started on speakerphone calls, video calls, or texting.

At the level of principles, the discussion of phone etiquette and international relationships comes back to one thing: respect.

Respect acknowledges the intrinsic worth and dignity of every person, regardless of background or belief. In Christian ethics, this foundational principle is a basic expression of love; it shapes our moral compass and influences how we create or revise rules and guidelines. It also compels justice and encourages customs and social expectations that promote fairness, consideration, and understanding. Respect sets the tone, and context shapes how we distill it into guidelines or rules.

I remember a conversation with my son following his release from prison. We focused on how hard it is to transition back to life outside the walls. Inside prison, the etiquette of showing respect was clear and quickly enforced. Don’t mess with someone else’s food or property. Be careful how and where you look and the tone of your voice. Even a wrongly cast glance could prompt a vigorous response. Staring at someone, taking someone’s place, cutting into a line, asking too many personal questions, ‘backing down’ from a confrontation, using nicknames—consequences followed broken rules of prison etiquette.

Outside the prison wards, context and social meaning changed. My son had to parse those differences; it took effort to school his words, actions, and gestures to the expectations outside the walls. He had to ask what the norms were around personal space, status, vulnerability, reputation, and boundaries.

Context matters.

Rules are rooted in values. Shifts in etiquette closely mirror ethical themes. When etiquette changes, it often reflects deeper questions about what we owe each other as moral agents. That is why respect remains central to the discussion.

The new phone rules revolve around consent, timing, intrusion, privacy, and reciprocity. Autonomy is a strong value for younger generations, and it shapes each individual’s right to decide how they interact. One generation may see calling without texting first as an intrusion on personal space—aka ‘rude’—while another sees it as perfectly normal; similarly, concerns about timing and privacy vary. Is ghosting disrespectful, or simply a survival strategy?

A Christian ethical perspective involves a dance of values, principles and practices. Navigating the world of etiquette, rules, and respect requires grace, humility, patience, and forgiveness. Where dominance or punishment is paramount, such virtues are in short supply. But where sustaining and deepening a relationship are paramount, they are indispensable.

I may never become entirely fluent in the rules of the room. I may still miss a cue, answer a phone at the wrong moment, or discover that some perfectly acceptable behaviour has quietly become rude.

I will never master every rule of etiquette; in fact, I have misplaced the motivation.

Now, I try to see the person in front of me—to recognize their dignity, attend to their boundaries, and respond with enough humility to admit that I may have gotten wrong.

Rules tell us what we are supposed to do. Respect asks us to notice who is there and why that matters.

And grace leaves room for both of us to be human.

……

A Blessing

May you live life with grace when the rules are unclear,
wisdom when the paths divide,
humility when you have missed the way,
and kindness for those who stumble beside you.” 

*Chat GPT assisted with the development of the blessing